Sexiness part 3…

The good news is that confidence can be cultivated.

But are all confident people sexy? No. I’m sure you’ve seen plenty of individuals who inspire sureness without stirring any sort of desire in you. There are many whose confidence I admire, even look up to, but they’re just not sexy to me. Ruth Bader Ginsburg or Warren Buffet, for example, inspire great confidence in me, but sexy? Not in several lifetimes. Even so, confidence is an essential ingredient to the alchemical formula.

Many confident adults have struggled to find and nurture a belief in themselves. This is part of our process of maturation and individuation, how we come to know, understand and believe in ourselves. It’s a heroic journey, and one we can undertake many times in our lives as things change and what once seemed solid and secure, shifts and moves.

We can look at others and see that they seem to have it all together. Yet we are only seeing them from the outside in. And we experience the world and ourselves from the inside out. The truth is that we’re all in this process of self-definition and awareness.

When a breast cancer diagnosis is added to this mix, it’s easy to feel like the rug has been pulled out from under your feet. We may feel betrayed by your body, drive yourself crazy in an attempt to figure out how and why you got cancer, live in fear of the return of cancer, and not so sure of who you are. These are all possible reactions to having cancer. And this can completely shake your self-confidence to the point that you feel insecure in the most basic ways. Suddenly you can’t count on things you could count on before, like your health or how your body functions. Coming face to face with your mortality has a big impact on your confidence.

Strange as it may seem, this is a very powerful opportunity to look at what’s important about who you are and what’s not so important. It’s a time when you can literally create new beliefs about life, now that life, as you’ve known it, has been threatened. Suddenly, you know that life isn’t a dress rehearsal. It may be the first time you have faced your own mortality. Given that, how do you choose to live your life?

You may be familiar with this poem:

Dance like nobody’s watching;
Love like you’ve never been hurt.
Sing like nobody’s listening
Live like it’s heaven on earth.

~ Mark Twain

Since no one gets out of life alive, why not create the life you’ve always wanted to live? Why not decide that you are confident? That you can be, and are, sexy and desirable? Who’s going to say you’re not? If you believe it about yourself, that’s what you will transmit to the world, and you’ll be experienced that way. I know, this sounds hokey. But this is the way it works. Really.

Creating confidence starts with your beliefs about you. Here’s a way to being this inventory:  take a pad of paper or a stack of index cards. Begin with at least 20. On each one, write one thing that you love about yourself or believe about you in a positive way. It could be things like “I love my generosity of spirit”, “I love that I see the goodness in every person I encounter”, “I love my sense of hope,” and so on. Without editing the list, just keep going until you have written at least 20 things that you love about you. Once you have completed the list, review it and notice how you feel as you read each statement. Do you feel rock solid about it? If not, could you with a little more belief in you? Do you need to change the words to make it feel rock solid? If so, do it.

You can continue to add to this inventory. I keep mine in a “love jar” that I have decorated and it sits on my desk. Every day, I pull out one of the statements and make it a practice to “be” that for the day. Try this practice to increase your love for you and your confidence, and to makes you t solid and consistent in these qualities. It’s not wishful thinking; it becomes your belief system ands Truth.

© 2012 by Barbara Musser, Sexy After Cancer.
For more resources, go to

This blog does not reflect the opinions of The Pink Fund, its Founder, Board of Directors, Advisors or Volunteers.  It is not meant to serve as medical advise of any kind.  Any questions about your health and sexuality should be directed to a licensed physician or therapist. Any opinions expressed are solely those of the writer who voluntarily blogs for The Pink Fund without compensation.

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