Bring Back Your Sexy ~ The Eighth Tool


Continuing with the 10 Tools and Power Tools for Bringing Back Your Sexy After Cancer:

#8. Othercourse

Last time I gave some suggestions for a weekly “sex” date. Most of the suggestions given were not about how we typically define sex, which is having genital intercourse. What??? Sex without intercourse? How is that possible?

Let’s explore the idea that sex can be a lot more than what happens with our genitals. Think back to when you were a teenager and discovered making out. Remember how that felt? Lips on fire, big energies coursing through your body having you feel hot and excited, wanting to do more than kissing but not really knowing what that might be, a little scared by how big all of this felt, and wanting it to go on forever? That was definitely sex!

Something really useful to understand is what S~E~X really is. If you think of it as an acronym, perhaps S~E~X is really

  • Sensual Energy Exchange
  • Sacred Energy Exchange
  • Spiritual Energy Exchange

When you sit with your sweetheart and gaze into their eyes without words, really looking and breathing and allowing yourself to be seen, this is deep intimacy. Think of the word “intimacy” as “into me you see” and you’ll know what I mean. We all want to be seen, accepted and loved for who we really are, deep inside. And most of us learned to have sex when intimacy is what we really wanted. We just didn’t know how to ask for it or how to offer it.

With cancer treatments, our bodies don’t work in the same ways as before and this can have a big impact on our sexual lives. You know this. With an expanded idea of what S ~ E ~ X and intimacy can be, there are lots of possibilities for pleasure.

A very powerful practice is Othercourse ~ meaning, not intercourse. There are lots of things you can do that are very intimate, sensual and sexual without involving your genitals.

Sex can easily become serious business if you see it as a race to the finish line, or a performance that must play out in a particular way each time. We all experience busy or stressful times, illnesses, hormonal shifts, and other circumstances that force changes in intimacy or physical response.

Flexibility and a sense of humor can help you weather these changes. Broadening your idea of what good sex consists of, and exploring ways to create as much pleasure as possible for you and your partner, will take the focus off of what you can’t, or choose not to do. Instead you can keep your attention on creating pleasure and deepening your intimate connection with each other. As an added benefit, expanding your sexual repertoire will increase the fun you can enjoy during sex play.

Want some ideas? Here are a few to get you started, then get creative!

  • Read erotica to each other. Fifty Shades of Gray is popular now, and there’s lots of great erotica available.
  • Cook dinner and ask your sweetheart to be the plate ~ have them lie down on a sheet, naked, and arrange the food on their body. Then eat the meal without using utensils. Offer yourself as the plate for dessert!
  • Have a make-out session where all there is, is kissing, in as many ways as you can think up.
  • Talk sexy to each other ~ have a HOT conversation about all the things you’d like to do with each other, whether or not you actually do any of it
  • Make a Pleasure Map, where you explore each other’s bodies to discover what feels good, what not so much, and what kind of touch you like.

Try out some of these and let me know what you like, and also what other ways you create to experience intimacy and sensual energy exchange!

© 2012 by Barbara Musser, Sexy After Cancer.
For more resources, go to

This blog does not reflect the opinions of The Pink Fund, its Founder, Board of Directors, Advisors or Volunteers. It is not meant to serve as medical advise of any kind. Any questions about your health and sexuality should be directed to a licensed physician or therapist. Any opinions expressed are solely those of the writer who voluntarily blogs for The Pink Fund without compensation.

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